This, I Believe

Always love and respect yourself and others around you, and never let a good mind go to waste.

Sixteen years old today, living with a disability is difficult. Before I experienced kindergarten as a social outlet, I learned how special and human I was. Being disabled in having Cerebral Palsy is not difficult to accept, however, there are challenges and trials. It is only difficult to accept yourself when you become engulfed in the prejudice and stereotype that surround you. I am often greeted with endless stares, as many run away from me. People do the worst and assume that just because I am in a wheelchair, that I have an intellectual disability and I am labeled as mentally retarded and a cripple, or paralyzed. Teenagers and adults alike believe that I am incapable of thought or feeling, and that I cannot hear the comments that are said behind my back as they do affect me. I would prefer that if an individual had something to say to me that they would say it to may face, and not induce such hurtfulness in masking your own insecurities to make yourself feel better.

I do not have a contagious disease, so one does not have to hesitate to shake my hand. I am capable of understanding and processing speech and do not need to be spoken to slowly or like an infant. I am human and have the same cells and bones in my body, and a heart that feels. I do not ask that you like me; I ask that you respect me for who I am, and respect the fact that I will be employed one day and pay rent and bills, and hope to start a family of my own. Speaking of family, I do not have an outside of supportive family members and whatever else exists out there. Those who I know who are supposedly supposed to be my family, have not accepted me in large part because of my disability, whom have chosen not to be a part of my life journey.

I remembered looking at school buildings that seemed like they were 100 feet tall entering the doors flooding with kids all around in building friendships, only to find, everyone staring at me. Endless stares as I feel my face turning red, the nervousness in my stomach as I park my wheelchair alone against that same wall as I slowly take a deep breath with silent tears streaming down my face. That was how I spent each and every morning before school. I sat at the same empty lunch table by myself each and every day. I was always a good student and just concentrated on my work, and I did not participate in extra-curricular activities as I felt I was not wanted or welcomed by other students. I am not as social as I would like to be, as I do not have accepting friends. I do not have that lifetime friend from kindergarten that teens and adults always talk about. Music is my best friend. This best friend, never failed as the music was always in the lyrics of the song that fit in every moment and situation I was in. I looked for comfort through this release.

But nothing is far more painful than having to face the truth that your father does not even accept his own son. There was the verbal abuse in the yelling and screaming along with calling me stupid and dumb. Math was always a struggle subject for my Mom and I, and we looked to my father for assistance, yet, I would only get a knock on the head. It was difficult to get his attention; it often felt as if explosives were going to blow. He would throw down whatever he had in hand abruptly cursing. He just did not offer assistance and said that the teachers at school needed to help, not him. I actually never learned how to do the problems as to no instruction or guidance from him. He said it was so simple that a monkey or a kindergartner could do it. But, a flaw within his monkey theory is that monkeys have to be trained such a skill before it can be executed. He demonstrated that he had no faith or belief in me succeeding as he stated that I would spend my life working at McDonald's putting napkins in bags that I did not even have to work in living on disability, or even go to college.

It did not stop there as my father had a temper that often erupted without good cause. Too many times often as to the physical abuse, he would throw me on my bed in causing my head to hit the wall, and throw my back out from the shock. His familiar terrorizing in where he would turn the lights off and close the door and stand in front of me, making noises and faces that seemed like they came straight from a horror movie. My Father was a monster. He was a monster who instilled fear in others, more than the non-existent closet monster. He would get in my face and when yelling at me, globs of spit would cover my face, in feeling so disgusted, absolutely drenched in spit and wanting to take another bath. The abuse went on from him covering my mouth with his hand where I could no longer breathe where I would then have to bite his hand just to be able to breathe. Periodically, being placed in an empty bathtub left in the dark or put in a chair in a 100 degree hot garage and left as punishment to hot sauce or soap in the mouth in making me vomit. He knew I could not defend for myself, as he would be defeated if he were to pick on someone his own size. One thing we know about physical abuse is that the scars and bruises left will one day fade; however, the scars of emotional abuse will last forever.

Through all that I have experience these last two and a half years, I have found my non-denominational faith in God, and am thankful that He has placed me on this beautiful planet. I am grateful for all that He has given me in a wonderful Mom that always shows me guidance, positive role modeling, and continues to show me the true meaning of love and parenting. I am thankful for have been given a smart mind and the ability to use my legs, and experience life to the fullest. I am thankful for each and every day I live, and for His unconditional love and acceptance, His protection and His plan through which I gain positive perspective.

Always love and respect yourself and others around you, never let a good mind go to waste, always follow your dreams with your mindset to succeed, always love and trust God, count your blessings daily, have a great relationship with friends and parents and enjoy life and its journey, discoveries and lessons. This, I BELIEVE.